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Re: HELP!!! URGENT!

Subject: Re: HELP!!! URGENT!
by Biohaz_Daddy on 2009/8/10 11:43:31

The script does not seem to be set up for pacing, as it seems to demand (or not) page breaks that disrupt the flow of the action.

Page 1and 2:

Quote:
the story so far is:
Security Guard in nowhere Virginia at top secret research lab is walking to his lone car at the end of a graveyard shift. dead man missing eye attacks said guard (Jacobs) and chokes him to death. The next morning Jacobs walks into work.
The guard booth guy says" Hey, man I thought you were off. OK well go in" Saying hi and checking Jacobs ID tag. Jacobs is quiet and blank faced. the other guard does not notice the choke bruises on Jacobs neck.


It would be nice to have an establishing shot. Something needs to be in the panel that simultaneously tells you the time of day, and where he is. If he is isolated in that parking lot have your establishing shot an overhead shot. He can be all the way back in parking lot K. The research lab is many lots and fences in the distance, thus showing he has a long way to go to get help. Also the panel framing does nothing to set up tension. While the doomed guard is drawn well his face is completely passive. Panels four and five just highlight that by their repetitiveness. Use some odd and uncomfortable camera angles. He looks over his shoulder, but again there?s nothing to suggest he either heard something or is paranoid over being alone in a dark parking lot. Lastly there is no indication of a time lapse. You from one panel where a guard offs another guard, to a panel showing the back of a guard. There is no clear indication that this is the guard that we witnessed being killed. I assumed it was one-eyed Barney.
The vignette of the death of Jacob should take up the full first two pages to play out. This will give you the space to do everything that a horror comic needs at the onset. Also, you will not have the difficulty that the transition to the following day causes on the same page. Drop day two onto the third page.

Page 3:

Quote:
Jacobs enters the building and proceeds to a door he is not authorized to enter. He walks up to the guards. They say hi and tell him to turn back. The one who speaks is the same man as the dead man from before only alive with both eyes. Jacobs fatally fires at both men. Shooting the one from before in the eye that was missing before, thus killing him. He also shoots the other guard in the head with no time for him to react.


Adding the checkpoint to this page will tighten up your available space, so you have a choice. Push some action off to the next page, or pace this sequence fast. You use some big panels, so it might work by tightening it up. One thing is for sure, you need to establish the likeness of the one-eyed guard in something concrete. My suggestion, they are guards, they will be wearing name tags. That is a simple and effective method, but also follow through with other visual clues that are distinct. The day?s beard growth for one eye works, but add more. Put glasses on one of them. Give one of them a 70s porn star mustache. Make it easy for the reader, and fun for you to draw.

Quote:
Next page*
He then enters into a top secret, highly restricted lab with two scientist, a man and a woman. When they try to stop him he shoots both of them as he approaches a strange machine. Pulling levers, and pressing all the right buttons the dead Jacobs watches as the container like dragon clawed machine starts up. Everything turns to white light and....


Ouch? did the writer consider that white in a comic book, is just a blank page? This will be tough to sell and will really be dependent on your story telling in the pages that proceed it.


Those are some of my opinions... Hope it helps
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