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HELP!!! URGENT!
superhero
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OK, Hellfire club members will be able to see the images.
When these are done I'll post them in the normal Gallery...I think. So I'm sorry none hellfire club members you won't be able to help.

Here's my tiff, I'm doing a six page consecutive. I don't feel it's dynamic enough and the third page has been done THREE times now. it just doesn't feel right.
So at 5:23 am I stopped what I was doing. I'm posting an urgent HELP! here so I can get some suggestions from the wonderful members.

page 1
http://heromorph.com/heromorph2/modules/myalbum0/photo.php?lid=1853

page 2
http://heromorph.com/heromorph2/modules/myalbum0/photo.php?lid=1855

page 3
http://heromorph.com/heromorph2/modules/myalbum0/photo.php?lid=1857

so the story so far is:
Security Guard in nowhere Virginia at top secret research lab is walking to his lone car at the end of a graveyard shift. dead man missing eye attacks said guard (Jacobs) and chokes him to death.
The next morning Jacobs walks into work.
The guard booth guy says" Hey, man I thought you were off. OK well go in" Saying hi and checking Jacobs ID tag. Jacobs is quiet and blank faced. the other guard does not notice the choke bruises on Jacobs neck.
Jacobs enters the building and proceeds to a door he is not authorized to enter. He walks up to the guards. They say hi and tell him to turn back. The one who speaks is the same man as the dead man from before only alive with both eyes. Jacobs fatally fires at both men. Shooting the one from before in the eye that was missing before, thus killing him. He also shoots the other guard in the head with no time for him to react.

Next page*
He then enters into a top secret, highly restricted lab with two scientist, a man and a woman. When they try to stop him he shoots both of them as he approaches a strange machine. Pulling levers, and pressing all the right buttons the dead Jacobs watches as the container like dragon clawed machine starts up. Everything turns to white light and....

you'll see.

ok. So when it comes to art I need some help with the third page. I think it's the bottom panel but I also don't like the middle ones. please help.

Posted on: 10 08 09 02:41 am
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Re: HELP!!! URGENT!
The Metal Shinigami (Moderator)
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Well from what I can tell maybe instead of the left hand guard looking directly at the one on the right*, have him facing forward but looking with his eyes while he talks.

and the lat panel, maybe from the perspective of the Shoulder holding the hand gun and here are a few options:

if the left hand guard (clean shaven one)is still going to look at the other and talk, shoot him in the temple first (I would think this would shock the right hand to the point he would stumble for his gun, causing delay in pulling it long enough to be shot)then the right hand guard.

If you shoot the right one first then the one on the left of the page needs to be seen turning to face the shooter to merit the head shot.

*as it is I would think with this guy looking at the one on the left, the moment he sees the person he is talking to waving off the shooter to turn back it will force him to focus on the person that interrupted his conversation.

Unless Jacob has to walk by this area to get to his post, would he even be friends with these two guards, does he talk to them after work? do they have the same shift? How does Jacob know the guards he is about to kill? in short if Jacob is friends with these two, their guard would be down to allow the shot, if not then they would be on edge.

Sorry these are like some things I think of to help with creating situations and action in panels. Hope this helps, if not I am sorry

Posted on: 10 08 09 05:31 am
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Re: HELP!!! URGENT!
deluded narcissist guru (Whateverator)
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The script does not seem to be set up for pacing, as it seems to demand (or not) page breaks that disrupt the flow of the action.

Page 1and 2:

Quote:
the story so far is:
Security Guard in nowhere Virginia at top secret research lab is walking to his lone car at the end of a graveyard shift. dead man missing eye attacks said guard (Jacobs) and chokes him to death. The next morning Jacobs walks into work.
The guard booth guy says" Hey, man I thought you were off. OK well go in" Saying hi and checking Jacobs ID tag. Jacobs is quiet and blank faced. the other guard does not notice the choke bruises on Jacobs neck.


It would be nice to have an establishing shot. Something needs to be in the panel that simultaneously tells you the time of day, and where he is. If he is isolated in that parking lot have your establishing shot an overhead shot. He can be all the way back in parking lot K. The research lab is many lots and fences in the distance, thus showing he has a long way to go to get help. Also the panel framing does nothing to set up tension. While the doomed guard is drawn well his face is completely passive. Panels four and five just highlight that by their repetitiveness. Use some odd and uncomfortable camera angles. He looks over his shoulder, but again there?s nothing to suggest he either heard something or is paranoid over being alone in a dark parking lot. Lastly there is no indication of a time lapse. You from one panel where a guard offs another guard, to a panel showing the back of a guard. There is no clear indication that this is the guard that we witnessed being killed. I assumed it was one-eyed Barney.
The vignette of the death of Jacob should take up the full first two pages to play out. This will give you the space to do everything that a horror comic needs at the onset. Also, you will not have the difficulty that the transition to the following day causes on the same page. Drop day two onto the third page.

Page 3:

Quote:
Jacobs enters the building and proceeds to a door he is not authorized to enter. He walks up to the guards. They say hi and tell him to turn back. The one who speaks is the same man as the dead man from before only alive with both eyes. Jacobs fatally fires at both men. Shooting the one from before in the eye that was missing before, thus killing him. He also shoots the other guard in the head with no time for him to react.


Adding the checkpoint to this page will tighten up your available space, so you have a choice. Push some action off to the next page, or pace this sequence fast. You use some big panels, so it might work by tightening it up. One thing is for sure, you need to establish the likeness of the one-eyed guard in something concrete. My suggestion, they are guards, they will be wearing name tags. That is a simple and effective method, but also follow through with other visual clues that are distinct. The day?s beard growth for one eye works, but add more. Put glasses on one of them. Give one of them a 70s porn star mustache. Make it easy for the reader, and fun for you to draw.

Quote:
Next page*
He then enters into a top secret, highly restricted lab with two scientist, a man and a woman. When they try to stop him he shoots both of them as he approaches a strange machine. Pulling levers, and pressing all the right buttons the dead Jacobs watches as the container like dragon clawed machine starts up. Everything turns to white light and....


Ouch? did the writer consider that white in a comic book, is just a blank page? This will be tough to sell and will really be dependent on your story telling in the pages that proceed it.


Those are some of my opinions... Hope it helps

Posted on: 10 08 09 11:43 am
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Re: HELP!!! URGENT!
Kling on HM (WebMaster!)
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I am confused how the dead man with the missing his eye, is alive and well the next day for Dead Jacobs to shoot in the eye... again...
I am sure it has something to do with the story, but i don't know if you can explain it in just 6 pages.
That is all for now... now I need to actually go look at the images.

Posted on: 10 08 09 12:10 pm
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Re: HELP!!! URGENT!
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This may be no help at all but...I would hope that you have a scene inside the LeBaron. I am curious how you render 5 square yards of the finest Corinthian leather.

Posted on: 10 08 09 05:51 pm
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Re: HELP!!! URGENT!
Gold Member
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Here's an idea...

When the guard who was choked walks up to the two guards, Jacobs (pre-eye gauged) and his buddy. Show the choked guard walking towards them from the side, not from the front. Like going down a corridor.

Next, the two guards see him coming and saying hey, what up but gets not response. Now that the choked guard is upon them, he draws his gun and shoots one guard in the head while stabbing his finger into Jacobs' eye.

Gives you a whole new perspective on the approach.

Hope that gives you some help. If not, them maybe a giggle?

Posted on: 10 08 09 10:42 pm
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Re: HELP!!! URGENT!
Shaper of Worlds
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well here's my 2cents worth. first of all the pencil work is great! but there are a few things that bother me about the panels. first off on page one it appears that Jacobs is on a break i assume and relaxing by his car. but he unlocks the door and doesnt get in [at least judging by the angles and the distance the steering wheel is from him it appears that way]so either hes in the car or leaning against it. at any rate for the dead man to attack from the back then either he would have to manifest himself inside the car or through the glass window [its not really clear].
i do agree that there should be more seperation between day 1 and day 2 [had i not read your notes i would have assumed it was the same day] i would suggest for the last couple of panels on page 2 show the zombie dragging jacobs dead body away and perhaps for the last panel you could show his dangling arm either hanging out of a dumpster or his hand slightly sticking up from a shallow grave in either case i would show the car driving off in the distance or make the last panel a night scene to show that the day has ended. then you can the next days events on a fresh page eliminating any confusion.
for the scene with the two guards i would pan back on the two guards and maybe show a rear shot of zombiejacob approaching [maybe change the angle to a worms eyeview and show just zombiejacobs leg and foot]. after the one guard tells zjacob to halt i would zoom in on a closeup of zjacob's face perhaps deeply shadowed with a stoic or yet maniacal look about him [particular attention would be to his eyes]. You can add more dynamics to the last panel by changing the veiwpoint to a rearshot of the guards both being blasted in the dome [nothing like a closeup shot of brains and blood splattering out to liven up a page].
of course to make all this fit better you would have to lengthen these 3 pages to at least 4. you could add panels in the opening page of the facility where this all takes place or on day two of zombiejacob walking through the facility more so that we as the audience get a greater understanding of where this all takes place.

Posted on: 11 08 09 10:04 am
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Re: HELP!!! URGENT!
Gold Member
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from co_04:

Quote:
This may be no help at all but...I would hope that you have a scene inside the LeBaron. I am curious how you render 5 square yards of the finest Corinthian leather.



Ricardo Montalban's voice is now stuck in my head...thanks.


Redd, I refrain from commenting on the continuity, as that appears to be part of the story itself.

As for the page 3 notes that you don't really care for the composition? I like MissVee's comment on extending out of panels, and would suggest potentially changing the focus of the page to the bottom action part.
Maybe make it bigger as a scene, and possibly have the figures overlap the panels above.
Like the Shooter's head and over the standing guards partially, and some blood spatter from the shot guy's face flying over the panel above him.
More blood, wider spray pattern, that alone could add dynamics to the action.
Just a couple quick thoughts since you've gotten a lot of good ones already.
I look forward to seeing more as always!

Posted on: 12 08 09 01:31 am
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