Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Roses are sometimes red
Violets are violet
You know my phone number
So why don't you call me?

A 90 year old man meet a friend at the local bar and say:
- Hey, bud! Long time no see. I have some news for you. I got married with a 20 year old girl last month and guess what? She's waiting for a baby already.

His friend look at him for a while and reply:
- Lemme tell you a story I've heard: Some guy went hunting for lions, but dumb as he was, he took an umbrella thinking it was his gun.
After awhile deep in the jungle, a lion came running towards him with the intention to attack. The guy pull his "gun" and aim, a loud bang is heard and the lion falls dead at his feet...

- Hey, that's impossible!!! An umbrella can't kill the lion...Someone had to fire the shot for him...

-..... My point, exactly!

Yeah. OK, well, uh, we found, uh, this mouse in a bottle of YOUR BEER, eh. Like, we was at a party and, uh, a friend of ours - a COP - had some, and HE PUKED. And he said, uh, come here and get free beer or, uh, he'll press charges.

Due to budget cuts, the light at end of tunnel will be out until further notice!

ALL Politician's are a necessary evil, it's just unfortunate that most of them are more evil than necessary.

"Well, son, since you haven't learned to respect your elders, it's time you learned to respect your betters."

"If at first you don't succeed, try a bigger bribe"

"I did...I got a bigger sentence!"

I love the Big Jake quote.

"I've broke my back once, and my hip twice. And on my worst day I could still beat the hell out of you. " John Wayne, The Cowboys.

Your momma's so stupid she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.

SEE HOW GOOD YOU ARE







This is a riot!





Turn your speakers up a bit.




Can you hit the apple???



(It's actually more fun when you miss, so don't be too accurate!)



Click here: Alcohol & Ammo

http://crass.on.ru/flash/aaa-1.html

"You're never going to make it in this industry, your first day of work and you killed Denise van Outen."

The Real Reason The Empire Lost
(including footage cut from Return of the Jedi)

Officer: We just lost our bridge deflectors!
Captain: Intensify forward firepower I don't want anything to get through.
Private Douchebag: Um, if I was going to bother pushing the Intensify Firepower button don't you think I would have done it when the battle started?.
(burning ship heads towards bridge)
Captain: Intensify forward firepower!
Private Douchebag: Why? That guy's already on fire, he'll explode in a minute anyway.
Officer: Too late!
Private Douchebag: See, told you... ahhhh! I'm burning! I'm going to mess up the navigation controls!

(meanwhile in the engine room)
Engineer 1: Hey the bridge is telling us to change course to collide with the Death Star.
Engineer 2: Sure, whatever.

"Smoking ribs is no problem...once you get big enough rolling papers"
--James Schmidlin

Quote:

Nice Chilly!
This reminded me of this......

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.
A beggar came along and asked him for some money.
The man ignored him.
But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him.
The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.
He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea".
He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him.
Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man.
But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you?".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

"shaken, not stirred"

you-know-who

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to do to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched hand and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
'May I ask, please, what the turkey did?'

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam:
- "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family but that's it! NO other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smarty student in the back of the room, raised his hand and asks:
- "What would you say if tomorrow i said i was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does their best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says:
- "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."