Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film

Caboose: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.
[*The Alien speaks*]
Andy The Bomb: He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good.
Andy The Bomb: [*chuckles*] Not really. They *eat* their wounded.
[*chuckles again*]
Caboose: Just like chiropractors

Quote:



I had my own SW-ism, that I used to use as my sig:

"I want to throw away my old trashcan, but I don't know how."

"See? Right there, on Her bra cups! 'CONTENTS UNDER IMMENSE PRESSURE'!"

Replicants are like any other machine. They're either a benefit or a hazard. If they're a benefit, it's not my problem.

"You move rike a baboon with 2 crub feet"

Junior: Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?

Buford T. Justice: If they'd have cremated the sombitch, I'd be kickin' that Mr Bandit's ass around the moon by now

that's the biz, sweetheart"
( sound familar? )

Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi".
Dante Hicks: My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.

I couldn't remember if this one has been done before and I am too lazy to go look.

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

Bump

"Brigadier!"

This really is pretty funny ,somebody subbed Peter Griffins voice singing "Can't Touch Me" into an Inuyasha scene!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8rfzu5GLzKk&mode=related&search=

I never thought I'd say this, but......... Boy, you have smoked yo'self retarded.

Ahhh!! You got glass in my eyes!!
And my foot in your balls!! Captian PLANET!
CLICK

It's big. The biggest one here. You know what else? It's got a lot of range. You know what I mean by range, don't you? I mean it can stay up for a long time. A very long time. And it's built firm and solid. Because it has to be. Because of its tremendous forward thrust. And when this baby delivers its payload... devastating.

It's freakin' Gone With the Wind.

welcome to the rock!!

Pack o' wraps, my brotherman, time to kick back, drink some beers and shmoke some weed!

Highmaster: Therefore, you will... NARFLE THE GARTHOK!